Gabriel~
Hey buddy. I miss you so much & I love you even more. Lately I find myself thinking about you more and more, I didn't even think it was possible to think of you anymore than I already was, but it is cuz I have been. I wonder what you would be doing right now & what you'd look like? Would you look more like me or like your daddy? I sure hope that you'd at least act like me and NOT like your father, if you acted like him I would sure have my hands full! Summer misses you sooo much too! She talks about you all the time, I think she mentions you daily! We sure wish you were here having a "camp out" in the living room tonight. Sissy loves to do this on the weekends & I kinda like it too, I think you'd enjoy it also. I would love it if you'd give me a sign that you're still hanging around from time to time and that you're watching over us, one that I can't miss or visit me in a dream, that would be beautiful <3 i love you baby, forever and alway. I feel so empty without you and Angel. Take care of each other up there and be nice to the other babies. I love you both. XOXO.
Love,
Mommy
Soooo this week has been crazy madness! Monday: I got off work early to take Summer to the doctor for her 4 year old well child visit, she ended up having to have 4 shots (2 in each thigh) & the nasal flu "sniff". It was horrible, she got the "air jetted" shots (not recommend BTW) & I had to totally body check her... hold her down kicking and screaming! Total meltdown mode! I finally got her all calmed down, she collected her stickers from the poor nurse, (I would hate to have the job of giving all the shots to the little ones) and we got out to our car & started to make the 45 minute drive home. We stopped in about halfway home to pick up my prescriptions and I needed to use the restroom, Summer said she didn't have to go so I told her to wait outside my stall door and to stay right there where I could be able to see her little feet ( I would have liked her to come into the stall with me, but she did not want to and I didn't feel like fighting with her about it), of course she didn't listen to me, she started looking under all the stalls (how embarrassing) and then I could hear her running around, I finished up & I started walking to the sink so that I could wash my hands & I was yelling to Summer "Summer! Stop running around! Be still and wait for me, I just need to wash my hands!" And then I hear her hit the ground, hard! The wind is knocked out of her, she hit her head, and hit her chin, which is now split open and bleeding pretty good, I rush to her, hold her, comfort her, pull out a band aid that she just so happened to give me earlier in the day and stuck it on her chin. Keep in mind that with the exception of my wisdom teeth removal and my c-sections, I've never had stitches and I don't even think that I've been present during an accident where anyone I know has needed stitches! So I have no idea if this needs to be stitched or not, it looks pretty bad though. We get home and I want to change the band aid and get it all cleaned up. I take off the band aid, BLOOD SOAKED... totally! and then she starts screaming to put the band aid back on and how bad it hurts with the band aid off! I take another look at it and I just know that it needs more attention than I can give it. Soooo I take her to urgent care. Dr says "Yes mom, this needs some stitches" :( Summer is FREAKED! She ends up having to be held down by me, 2 nurses and the Dr to give her the shot to numb her up and stitch her up, I can't handle my baby being scared or hurt anymore this day, soooo I just lose it right there as they are shooting her chin up & I start bawling, kinda like a little baby... urgh, I'm lame. Next stop circle k to get Summer a great big ice cream and then we come home. End of "Summer's worst day ever" her quote. BUT mama gets to watch her all night long and wake her up every few hours to ask her a simple ? DR's orders as she did hit her head pretty good...
Tuesday: We stay home, take it easy, watch Summer closely, and catch up on a lil sleep. Nothing to eventful to report this day.
Wednesday: Back to work for me and back to school for Summer. Also the 1 year marker of my Due date with Gabriel... bitter/sweet, sad day, wishing and wanting things to be different. Lots of thinking..
Thursday: Work for me, crappy jobs that day. School again for Summer. Right after work I come home and have to get Summer and I ready to go up to her school for family night. 3 hours later we are home from family night pooped and ready for bed. Feeling very very drained..
Today: Gabriel's 13 month angelversary :( Nuff said.
Wow.. I feel drained in every way possible. Can I just go to bed and sleep for 2 weeks straight now?
However I'm feeling a lot better since I named Angel and I'm recognizing more and more for what she is: my baby, just because I never got to meet her or even got to see her. I'd been feeling very guilty for not acknowledging her as much as I do Gabriel. Things will be different from here on out.
It seems like everyone is pregnant or having babies, I don't even really want to be pregnant or have a new baby, I just want my babies back, here with Summer and I, happy and healthy :(
I'm soooo tired.
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2 comments:
You've had a hectic week. Top that off with Gabriel's 13th month angelversary. :( Poor Summer, I hope she's feeling better. Stitches are never fun. And I hope you're taking care of yourself, too. Here's to remembering Gabriel with you.
P.S. I sent you an email, it's a picture of Gabriel's name that I took in SF.
I'm so sorry about little Summer's bad day. Bless her heart! Hope she's better now. Thinking about you on Gabriel's 13 months and his due date - those are hard days, I know. please don't feel guilty about Angel - she knows you love her. (((HUGS)))
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