Can't handle this hurting any longer

It's been a rough week. So I saw Gabriel's dad for the 1st time in months on Monday. I was in my car leaving the store and I saw him going into the store. I don't know if he saw me or not, but he didn't look at me or try to come talk to me, which I think he would have if he'd seen me, so I'm glad that he didn't because I started bawling. On Que. I Loved him more than I have ever loved any man, and I played to fool for him more than have for any man in my entire life. I wish things were different between us and that if we can't be together (which we can't), that we could be friends or at the very least be there to support each other through this process. I wish I could talk to him about our babies or that he could hug me when I need someone. Most people just watch me cry... no hugs. Oh on Monday when I cried at my dad's house he came and put his hand on my back which was nice, it was good. My dad's side of the family doesn't show love with hugs and such, and that is the side of the family that lives where I live. So I am happy that my dad recognizes that I'm hurting enough to put his hand on my back, but it would be really nice to just be held and comforted by the father of my babies.

Next as most of you know I live in a very small town, and I have become the target of some rumors that are 100% false and hurtful. Not a huge deal by if that was all I had going on in my life, BUT this along with all the other shit I feel/deal with on a daily basis is too much right now, I can't handle it and I don't know why people can't just leave me alone, I for the most part stick to myself, work, raise my daughter the best I can, hang out with a few select friends and try to avoid any and all unpleasantness and drama BUT it sure does always find me & I cannot just shake it off as easy as most. It bothers me a lot and gets me going. I hate it. I want outta this town soooo bad, but I don't want to uproot Summer :(

I try so hard to be strong, be as happy as I can be, mostly for Summer, but for my friends and family and myself as well. I can't do it. I'm not happy, I'm miserable. 2 of my babies are dead. I will never see them again. I wanted more children so much, but have made my mind up that I will never try for more. Everyone says "Oh Sara. You're so young! You don't know that for sure" Well news-flash to all of "them" the people on the outside. Yes I do know that because I don't want more kids, I WANT MY KIDS. You know the ones in Heaven, the ones I cannot have.

What "triggered" this breakdown (breakdown was bound to happen soon it had been bottled up too long) is that my dog Kaya got into some fudge that Summer left out and I'm afraid shes very sick (thats why I'm still up thinking and typing here, instead of asleep since I have to be up at 4:30am for work) I gave my dog some hydrogen peroxide to make her vomit and she did, but still is acting VERY ILL. I'm afraid she'll die as chocolate especially the baking type is toxic to dogs. I was snuggling with Kaya and Summer asked my what was wrong. :( I told her I waned to love on Kaya because she is not feeling well and I don't know if she'll have to go to Heaven or not. Right then Summer looked at Gabriel's urn and said "Goodnight baby brother we love you" then as we do not have any remains from my D&C with Angel Rose Summer looked at the ceiling and said "Goodnight Angel, love you baby sister" *sobbing* now. What the hell? How unfair for my 4 year old to have to know such loss and death and tell an urn, that is her baby brother and the sky, that is her baby sister Goodnight?? I don't get it? Now what my dog gonna die to? What is it, everything that I love and want has to die??? I worry daily while I'm working that something will happen to Summer, is she going to die? Cuz if anything happened to her... I'm ending my show. I wouldn't be able to go on. I worry that I'm going to die young and Summer will never really know that she has been the only thing that has kept me alive, my saving grace, she, Angel Rose and Gabriel are the only good things I have ever done, BUT Summer is all I have here. I'm so worried I'll die and she'll never know that she is my heart 1/3 of my heart walking around here on earth while the other 2/3 and in Heaven.

I can't help but wonder am I bad mother? Unworthy of G and A? Is that why they were taken from me? Did I do something wrong? Is Summer gonna be taken away too? I'm gonna sit up most of the night with Kaya, shes not doing so good so I wanna sit with her and see if she gets better if not I may have to drive her an hour to the nearest 24hr emergency vet clinic.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown and I wish I could just stay  in bed for a few days.

Also you BLMs should know that you are also the ones who keep me going. I don't know what in the hell I would do if it weren't for you all. I'm sorry we are bound together through grief, but very thankful for you all. Thank you for being you.

To Laci & Dollface I love you both too SOOOO MUCH!!! & thank you for being the people you are. You have both brought so much happiness to my life and I know that i can always turn to both of you for support without judgment. On a semi morbid note, I hope nothing will happen to me anytime soon, I'd like to live to 300 lol BUT if something should happen to me before she gets a chance to really see for herself, please tell Summy how much I love her. Tell her she was my only reason for living and she has always been my saving grace and 1 of the handful to best things that has ever happened to me. Tell her about me. The good and the bad.

XoXo