Wow... I't s been way too long

sigh... it seems like it's been forever huh? well I suppose that's because it has. Things has been up and down on this roller coaster ride. Some days, or weeks I feel like I'm doing better and dealing with my grief is getting easier, then other days it just feels like I'm paralyzed with my sadness. I have tried a counselor and that was not a good experience for me. I tried a support group for bereaved parents and that was good... very bitter/sweet because it seems to make everything feel so raw again. I know that I'm going to have to go through my grief to heal but it's so hard and people in my life don't seem to understand that :( I have a few friends (local) that are pregnant and I'm very happy for them but I want to have a baby too! I want my baby! I want Gabriel! And the man that I'm with says that he doesn't want to have a child "right now". However I believe that he doesn't want to have anymore children (he has 2, ages 4 and 9). I feel like he just tells me "not at this time" to avoid the subject :( I guess it's for the best since I'm afraid that our relationship is coming to an end anyway. BUT I want a baby so badly!




I also feel like the majority of people who understand what this feels like are my online BLM sisters and I love all of them, they are amazing, but why can't I have a local friend who just "gets it"? I don't feel like I have a best friend who I can open up to about these things and I even feel like my own family doesn't even understand or really care anymore. I get the feeling from most everyone that since it will be 3 years on September 8th, that I should be "over it" or i don't know "better" by now. When I get down or depressed or just plain angry on the 8th of any month (as i can't stop counting the months since I lost G) My own father has told me "You can't act like this Sara, it's the 8th but it's now SEPTEMBER.... What the fuck?




On top of all my grief stress. I lost my job in April.... ugh! I've gained SO MUCH WEIGHT! This is the heaviest I've ever been and it disgusts me to look at myself.




I need advise from you all. I would like some suggestions on some good books on baby loss related subjects, or books that have helped you with healing.

This photo is one of my favorites. Pregnant with Gabriel... Look at his light shining through me... 

Bitter/sweet

I guess thats all for now.... maybe more to come very soon tho...




Once again if I have any followers out there thank you so much for listening to me vent.




Gabriel my love,

Mommy and Sissy love you so much and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of you and wish you were here with us. Summer is constantly making you pictures and bracelets and things and placing them by your urn. We love you so much buddy. Please don't be scared to send us love and signs that you're around, we love that. We love you more than you will ever know. Play nice with the other angel children on Heaven's playground buddy. Love Love Love you.