1st topic: As most of you know, I miscarried a baby about 3 months before I got pregnant with Gabriel. I was about 9 weeks along when they think the baby's heart stopped beating, I didn't find this out until I went to the Dr. on October 30th 2008 I would have been about 11, almost 12 weeks along. I had some bleeding around 9 weeks, but my Dr chalked it up to: not being that unusual and I quote "Maybe my boyfriend and I had been having too much "fun"!". Nice, I know. Anyway, I had to have a D&C that took place on 11/04/2008. I never knew if that baby was a boy or a girl, I never named that baby. I always think of that baby as a girl, Summer ALWAYS has said the baby that died in my tummy was a girl, "little sister" : '(
A few days ago I decided that she deserves a name: Angel Rose Grajiola. Her due date was set for 05/21/2009. Just wanted to share this with you. I have been feeling guilty about not talking about Angel as much as I do Gabriel. I know it's a little different, but I still love Angel too and I miss her and I wish she were here too. A lot of times I feel like she gets left out, and I'd like to change that. I'm not sure if this is strange or not, frankly, I don't care. It makes me feel better and is helping me move forward on this healing journey.
2nd topic: I'm really angry/sad about Gabe Sr! Urgh! I don't know why he has to be the way he is and why he had to hurt me so badly that I don't even want anything to do with him again! It makes me so angry that he and I couldn't be there for each other on Gabriel's anniversary dates, and that I don't even want to/feel like I can share with him that I named Angel. There is too much anger there, mostly on my part, and I don't feel bad about it. He hurts me so much, and because of that, he continues to cause me hurt because I can't lean on him for support. I don't understand how he could have done this to us, and I don't like having this much hate and anger in my heart for anyone, thats not me, thats not who I want to be. I guess thats the problem with Gabe and I: Toward the end of us, I was allowing him to make me become someone that I didn't/don't want to be, I wasn't me! Ask anyone? I was becoming this person that I didn't even know, and that I def didn't like. I just wish things were different and at the very least we could have a civil conversation about where we are on our journeys and lend our support to each other. I know better though, that will never happen, because that will never be possible, he will never change and I won't allow him to take me down with him.
Topic 3: Summer!!! I love her soooo much! She is my saving grace and the light at the end of my tunnel. Enough said.
Topic 4: I'm designing a memorial tattoos for myself, my sister and possibly my bestie! For Gabriel mostly, but maybe a lil something for Angel too. Suggestions please!!!! I need much help, I want them to be perfect in every way!
Topic 5: I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad! lol
That is all for tonight, I'm feeling a little goofy and tired, and cannot write anymore now.
Love you all <3 Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. But, if they do, hit them with a shoe, until they're black and blue! :]
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4 comments:
My baby girl's name is Julia Rose. How much you wanna bet they're playing in one of Heaven's rose gardens with rosy pink cheeks having a tea party (that they dragged their lil angel brothers along to)?
One of my guys (name witheld) is thinkin of a tat in honor of my lil girl. A rose with Julia written through it.
First off - I THINK I got a message from you about a dove request but I can't read it - go on to Heaven's Doves (the button is on my blog) and there is a sheet to fill out.
Secondly - Awesome that you names angel - we named our babies Riley and Peyton on Sunday. I feel better that they have names :)
Third - tattoo - I am getting one soon. Angel wings, a miscarriage awareness ribbon and my babies dates and names. I'm excited though i HATE getting tattoos.
Fourth - I want to be a billionaire too! What a small world ;)
Fifth - (((hugs))) and much love to you :)
maybe get gabriels foor prints.. the a tint tiny pair of footprints beside it somewhere. or a pink star?
Glad you're doing things that help you on this journey. Sorry to hear about the difficulties you're having with Gabe, definitely frustrating!
That's wonderful you're going to get a tattoo, I am so glad I got a memorial tattoo for Lily, it just makes me feel closer to her, a physical reminder that she was with me for a little while. ((hugs))
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