Oh my! What a bitter/sweet day. Lots and lots of tears and a few smiles. Lots of time on the beach today. I did a lot of shell and rock hunting, I wrote the names of some of Gabriel's angel friends in the sand, I have more to do tomorrow and I'll try my hardest not to forget anyone.
I spent part of my day being very sad and VERY frustrated. I feel like my family doesn't care enough about what today is: MY SON'S BIRTHDAY! Nobody talks about it but me?! I know that it's a hard subject, trust me! It's very hard for ME TOO! But please don't act like he didn't even happen, don't act like today is just another day! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT JUST ANOTHER DAY! My son would be 1 today! This is a huge day! They all knew that the ONE thing that I really wanted to do, the one thing I asked for, was the balloon release! Not a lot to ask for, right? Nobody even was mentioning it today?! I didn't drive here to the coast, we all came in my grandparent's van, so it's not like I can just hop in my car and go get the balloons. I was hinting at going to get them all day, and it just seemed like no one was interested or into doing it :( They did want to go to the beach and fly their stupid kites though. Finally after I was obviously upset that we hadn't been to get the balloons, did my dad offer to take me to the store, and even then he acted like it was a hassle, barely spoke to me on the car ride to Safeway and then while I went in to get them he just sat and waited in the car :( It just confirms how alone I feel. Nobody (except my BLMs) gets it. They don't understand, and I'm not angry about that, in fact I'm glad they don't know what this feels like because it really sucks. I just wish they understood how important these things are to me. At any rate we got the balloons, everyone had a balloon to write a special little message to Gabriel, and everyone did. Summer the the balloons go and it was good.
I hate the way I feel today.. so sad and bitter and a little angry. I am totally aware that it's crazy BUT I see everyone's statuses today and they have to do with sports games or everyday things and I can't help but think "How can these ppl be talking/thinking about these everyday unimportant (in the big scheme of things) things when my son is dead!? It's his 1st birthday today, and hes dead! I'm so sad, I'm devastated, I'm a mess and they are concerned with the game today?!? Seriously? Urgh... I feel rude for even thinking these things. But grief isn't always the most rational is it? I can't expect everyone's world and life to stop just because I'm hurting, but it just seems so unfair.
Overall the weekend at the coast has been a very peaceful one. I'll be sad to go tomorrow, but happy to get back home.
Gabriel Jr~
Happy 1st Birthday Buddy! I love you so soooo much! I hope you're having a great big celebration with all of your angel friends! Did Leila make you a cake? I bet she did! Did you get your balloons?? Sissy let them all go for you to tonight :) We miss you so much buddy, I would give anything in the world and then some for us to be able to spend this special day together. Have a great birthday son. XOXO
Love,
Mama
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2 comments:
I am sorry you felt so alone on Gabriel's first birthday. I'm glad though that you were able to feel some peace at the beach.
UGH I'm sorry Sara! I wish I had a frickin car I would have driven down there to do the release with you! Even to take you to get the balloons :( I'm sorry your family was acting less than interested in it being HIS day. I was thinking of Gabriel the whole day and if I was home I would have sent you something, but now it is going to be late so I'm sorry hun. YES Leila DID make him a cake and it was a DELICIOUS one in fact, at least I'd like to think so! :D I wish you could have spent his special day with him but I know he was lovin the fact that his mommy, sister and other family sent him special notes on his big day. He's such a big boy already WOW 1 year old! Happy Birthday Gabriel. I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE NEPHEW! :D
(((HUGS)))
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