Such a BITTER/SWEET HAPPY/SAD kind of moment

On labor day Monday the 6th 2010, my sister (Laci) and 7 month old nephew (Karter) came to visit Summer and I. My cousin (Lauren) and her huband (Alan) & My other cousin (Kelsey who is Lauren's sister) and her daughters Molly (age: 2) and Abby (age: almost 6 weeks). These are all people who I love so much and unlike some of my other family members, these ppl seem to be very understanding and supportive of everything/anything that I feel the need or want to do to remember or honor my sweet Gabriel. It was a good day. The cousins brought me flowers to show their love on these hard days and in this hard month. We were just together and it was great, ate, talked, caught up, laughed, we were family. It was very sweet with a hint of bitter to meet Abby for the first time. I talked to her and admired her. She is beautiful, I did NOT hold her though, it's still very difficult for me to HOLD, TOUCH, FEEL or SMELL babies that are that brand new. BUT my nephew was having a kind of difficult day, we think he may be teething and has some constipation issues and frankly he had just had a kind of busy weekend. He was fussy. Laci (as most moms do) was starting to think that his fussing was bothersome to us. Of course it was not. To me, any sound he could have made was music to my ears. Karter was born early at about 33 weeks and spent about a month in the NICU. Our family wouldn't have survived another loss, of that I'm certain and I always tell her that Karter is our family's rainbow baby. Sorry I got a little off track there.. anyhow Karter was fussing and Laci started asking me if she should drive him around until he fell asleep. I said "No, don't do that, let me have him, let me try". I have held him many times already and I had held him some that day too already. But I took him, we all went up on our deck and sat on the porch swing. He fussed for a few minutes, I started patting his back and thinking about how I wouldn't want to be patted, I would want someone to rub my back gentley, how that would be so comforting. Then I started to think about Gabriel and how much I love him and miss him and hoping that he knew it. Then I started to say to Karter: "shhhhh shhhh shhhh, you're okay Karty" and singing to him rubbing his little back and before I knew it, he was out. That was the first time I had ever connected and had a completely lovely bitter sweet moment with a baby since Gabriel. It felt sooooo good, and then when I had to put him down and knew that they would be leaving to go home soon, it hurt soooo bad. IDK I love being involved in the lives of my friends and family with babies, Do NOT get this twisted, I don't want the babies to go away, not even a little, I don't want to be handled with "kid gloves" or anyone to walk on egg shells around me, it's just as simple as this: IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT I'M MISSING. WHAT I HAVE LOST WITH GABRIEL, WHAT MY BABY SHOULD AND WOULD BE DOING. I'm not angry about it, just sad and empty a little.

I didn't cry and it didn't make me sad at the moment, but later and now it does. I guess it makes happy to be involved in other babie's lives, but sad because I don't think that I'll have any more children... ever. It hurts too much and I'm too much of a coward. I'm not sure I would survive another loss. So these special moments will have to do. I'll take the bitter/sweet. Without the bitter, baby, the sweet wouldn't taste so good...