I get so tired of feeling like I'm saying the say things over and over and over again. I miss Gabriel, and I don't understand why this happened to me. I think about him all the time. Somebody once told Gabriel's father that I wasn't dealing with this in a "normal" way and that she thought I was "obsessed" with my son. Well back then i was PISSED that she said that... BUT now I'm starting to wonder if those were true statements. The chalk names seem to help because they keep me busy and I know how much it means for us to see our angel's names, so that makes my heart happy giving that gift to someone else, but realistically, I can't do something 24/7 & my mind wont shut off when I have some down time. At work is the worst because all I do is sit for 8 hours and wind coils for metal detectors... so my mind has plenty of time to wander. Maybe I am obsessed and maybe I'm crazy. Maybe someone should stick me in a mental institution...
Urgh! & I feel so sorry for my daughter because one minute I'll be okay and in a split second I'm in tears! When she asks me whats wrong I've starting telling her "Nothin baby, Mommy's eyes are just sweating, (insert lil laugh through tears here) isn't that silly?" and then retreat to the bathroom to splash cool water on my face and try to pull myself together.
Oh yeah! It really doesn't help that I'm not sure what I believe happens after we die, I hope there is a Heaven and I have to try my hardest to think there is, but what if there is NOTHING... I'm terrified! I am not kidding not even a little bit. TERRIFIED of death. I have panic attacks and all. Oh my gosh, okay I'm gonna stop here or one of you is gonna check me into the nut house... Urgh...
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2 comments:
First of all I'll take a guess that the person who said that to your husband has not lost a baby because if they did they would understand it is not something you simply move on from. Gabriel will always be a part of your life and it is understandable you still think about him.
As far as fearing death, I used to feel that way and then I worked in hospice as a social worker for a couple of years and found it's really not that scary. There is a peace that comes with death when you know it is near. Now I find it comforting that when I die I hope I'll be reunited with my daughter in some way. As you say there are no guarantees, but I like to hope that there is a Heaven...that's what faith is all about, hoping for what we do not know with certainty.
Thinking of you & sending love and this is just my opinion, but you are definitely not crazy. You are a mother grieving her child and sadly that is a process that we will carry with us throughout our lives.
I feel the same way about my son who's 2, about me being sad all the time. I want to be happy about my life with him, and I am, but sometimes the sadness just takes over. I hate that I have to explain to him that I'm sad. He's so young but he understands something is wrong. It's such a horrible feeling.
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