All about Gabriel's 1 year ANGELVERSARY!

I have been feeling SO OVERWHELMED with SOOOO many feelings!
Gabriel's 1st birthday was the 4th and his 1st angelversary was this past Wednesday (the 8th). *SIGH* I'm emotionally drained people!

So you all know that Summer & I went to the coast with my dad & grandparents for Gabriel's 1st birthday... and that didn't go badly, it just didn't go how I expected or wanted it to go. I felt like it wasn't about him. I so upset and crying& Summer was the only one that even acknowledged that I was crying/hurting/upset. The rest of my family acted like they didn't even notice my crying. Anyway see previous blog for that news.

Gabriel's angelversary was okay. I got up around 5am to shower and get ready for work. I was sad, but not tearful. I went to work and I listened to music all day. I felt like that really really helped me keep it together. Anyone who knows me well should know that I have always LOVED Tupac. So needless to say I was listening to some good ol' Pac, and Thug Mansion came on, which got me thinking about what Heaven is like for Gabriel and who he is with. I wondered if Jr had met Tupac yet? Naturally any offspring of mine would want to meet 2pac!! I imagined that they have met and that Gabriel, Leila and all the other gangsta rap, Tupac lovin angel babies were all probably having Gabriel's 1 year in Heaven celebration at the Thug mansion. I know this sounds funny, silly and maybe even a little crazy. I don't care, it made me SMILE! An honest to goodness Smile. I've had very few of those lately. I clung to that thought all day, and it helped. When I got home things were a little harder as night are always more difficult for me. Kalialani created the candle lighting event on FB for Gabriel <3 That was such a blessing! I needed her to do that, and it was so completely perfect! So many people lit candles for my angel. Thank you all for doing that & for all the support and love that you sent my way. Very tearful night, the tears stayed the night with me, but I have to admit oddly enough it wasn't as bad of a day as I thought it would be. The days leading up to it and these day that have followed seem to have been harder than the actual day. I was so touched by everyone's kindness and thoughtfulness. I'm amazed by my BLMs endless LOVE! I have received and am still receiving beautiful cards and goodies in the mail! <3 <3 <3 I wish I could express to all of you how much this means, I think it's really helping to fill the void left in my heart.

As of right this moment I'm in the "numb" stage again. I don't feel. I can't describe how I'm feeling.... because I don't even know... Urgh, I hate this feeling. People keep asking me if I'm OK? What they can do to help? or.... or...ohhhh... wait! The best one! The one that all of us baby loss folks LOVE: "are u feeling better today" seriously... wtf? We don't have a cold or a stiff neck or something. I know that they don't know what to say and they are only concerned and they care, but it's just frustrating... thats all, I try and remember that they mean well. But the answers are: No. I'm not "okay" but hopeful one day I will be. You can do nothing but offer your support, LOVE, understanding and compassion, without judgment, to help me. & No I'm not feeling "better" today. My baby is still dead.

I have SOOO MUCH support from my BLMs and they are all amazing I've made some very good friends. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them, and they mean the world to me, but we are so many miles apart and it's not possible for me to look them in the face :(  and I feel like that is something that could help a lot. I love all the virtual support that we offer each other and the BLM penpals is AWESOME!!! And without those things, I wouldn't have survived. But the people that I have in my everyday life that I'm face to face with, I feel like they just don't get it, or maybe they do and they think I'm weird, or they are judging me for how I'm dealing, and I cannot stand that kind of judgment, they may think they know what it's like or how they'd deal if it were them. But they have no idea, and it's not them, it's me! It's not their child it's mine! So I do NOT appreciate the judgments. Sooo the only people who are LOCAL and felt like I could talk face to face with, being 100% honest about whats going on in my head and how I'm feeling, without judgment are GONE. One I had to do what is best for my daughter Summer and I and walk out of his life, and the other thought she had to do what was right for her and she walked out of mine. It hurts my heart. I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life right now, it would just me nice to sit and talk to someone face to face. Both people I'm missing that were there at the hospital and met Gabriel, and it would be nice to just BE WITH SOMEONE WHO MET MY SON AND TRULY IS HERE FOR ME AND UNDERSTANDS AND CAN LOOK AT MY FACE WHEN I'M TALKING AND GIVE ME A BEAR HUG IF I NEED ONE.

Urgh! Since this is turning into a mini book I'm gonna stop here. maybe I'll write some more later tonight after Summer goes to bed.