Numb

Urgh! I hate feeling numb more than I dis-like being a mess. I don't even know what I feel anymore. Is this normal? Do any of you ever feel like this? Friends keep asking me: How are you? They know whats going on, they know why I'm heartbroken and they know about the anniversaries. They try to be here for me the best they can and I love them. I get so frustrated with myself because I can't even begin to describe the feelings/emotions that I'm dealing with right now and they change so often that I'm self conscious that my friends and family are going to have me committed. LOL. Not funny, I know! But it's true. How do I explain what this feels like? For me there isn't really a word that sums it up. I want their support and I do my best to try and let them in *sigh* but I'm starting to shut down. I want to be locked in a room all by myself. I don't have ti energy to try and talk about things or explain how I'm feeling and I don't have the strength or patience to be judged right now. Tomorrow is the big one year angelversary AND I HAVE TO WORK! I cried silently today some at work. Hoping that nobody noticed and really hoping if they did notice that they didn't try to talk to me about it or especially try to hug me :( Something about someone hugging me when I'm hurting makes the flood gates open up as wide as they can get and I don't want people to feel sorry for me or treat me like I'm breakable. Anyway. Just wanted to vent and write a little. Tomorrows post my be a long one. I've received several very sweet cards and a very sweet and thoughtful package all from BLMs of course. I just want to say thank you so much for everything that you all do for me. Summer and all of you are my strength. I'd be lost without you. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

PS I'd be honored if any of you would light a candle or let a balloon go for my little man. I'm going to be doing both between 6 and 7pm

I love you all.


My sweet Gabriel~
I love you so much buddy. 1 year in Heaven tomorrow. How is it that it feels like only yesterday we said goodbye and at the same time it feels like it were a million years ago. I hope your enjoying Heaven and your perfect health and perfect body! I sure miss you down here. I think of you every single day baby. Do you ever come around and watch me? Maybe sometime you could send me a sign? Something that I cannot miss. I would give anything to have you here with Sissy and I, happy and healthy. I wish that could have happened. I guess we'll just have to wait a little longer than I thought to see each other again. Send me some angel kisses Jr. Goodnight. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite, but if they do hit them with a shoe :) Sweet dreams Gabriel.
Love Mama