Overwhelming feelings of panic & dread!!! O_o *Warning* Not a very positive Blog post.

Today sucks. I try so hard to be positive. For myself and my sanity, but also for my daughter and my other BLM's! BUT today just blows! I woke up late, 10 mins before I'm supposed to clock in, I felt weird all day, stressed about money, my family and just life in general. I want my own place soooo bad. We currently are staying with my grandparents and they help me out sooo much and I really do need the help with Summer and I appreciate it  a lot, but I need my own space, they are always judging me and making little comments about every little thing i do. And they are constantly parenting over me with Summer, like I have no idea what I'm doing. I lived an hour away from them until Summer was 2 and I did it all by myself, work and take care of her, without their help, YET they seem to think that I have just "Forest Gump'd" my way through raising her!!!!!!!! It just makes me that much more stressed! I just feel like the harder I try to do the "right" things and deal with everything that I've been through these last few years in the most positive way that I can, the harder it gets. I think I'm getting a cold, not a big deal but you know that makes u feel kinda cranky and I know that my period is coming soon and THAT totally makes everything feel so dramatic and makes me soooo bitchy. But more than all this, I feel dread! I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I read one of our fellow BLM's (not naming names because I'm not sure if she wants to be named, and I respect her privacy) blogs about death and it was like she was inside my mind, and I was reading all of my own feeling on that matter. I'm scared  of it, and I'm scared to leave Summer behind, I never want to be without her, she is my everything, the best thing that I've ever done. And I'm not sure what comes after life, I don't know what I believe. I want to believe that there is a Heaven because of Gabriel, I want to know that he is in Heaven and happy and enjoying peace and all that Heaven promises. The problem is: In my life I've learned if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. I'm not saying I don't believe in God or Heaven, I'm just not sure what I believe anymore. As for God, if there is one ( and I think there is), we are not on speaking terms right now. I don't have anything to say to him at the moment and if he is talking to me, I can't hear him. *sigh* I can't help but to feel like the promise of Heaven is like..... hmmmm oh, okay, it's like the Easter Bunny, Tooth fairy, or Santa. Make believe. And that scares the HELL OUTTA ME! What if thats it, the end, game over, and there is just nothingness??? I wish I could somehow find real faith, but I have a feeling that is going to be very very difficult for me. I'm also afraid that I'm going to die young as well as the BLM I was talking about above. I don't know why? No reason. Maybe it's because we have dealt with so much loss these last few year that I just expect it? Who would take care of Summer then? And who would make sure Gabriel isn't just forgotten about?!?! Prepare for the worst and hope for the best? WTF? Thats a totally screwed up way to live! Sooo I'm hoping to snap out of whatever this funk is that I'm in, with the quickness. Where is Edward Cullen when you need him? He needs to come turn me into an immortal, sparkly vampire! Thanks for listening guys. I don't know what I'd do without you all.. I'll be okay, every time I feel like this I tell myself: "You'll feel better in the morning". I hope I do. Love you all thanks for reading my crazy ass blog, please don't have me committed though, lol! I swear I'm not crazy.... at least I don't think I am. Just confused and frustrated  : /  I'm gonna go take a nice, long, HOT shower and go to sleep! Sweet dreams. Oh yeah! One last thing! Ur gonna laugh at this! I had a dream last night that I was a cast member on the Jersey Shore, It was amazing, yeah... Pauly D, and Vinny were very cool and I think that I was involved with one of them, I'm not gonna lie ladies, I hated waking up, maybe thats why I over-slept, the only bad thing is I think I was like an "Angelina" ewwwwww, but I'm not even mad at it! :P ha ha ha ha!